10 Ways The Super Bowl Will Destroy Your Soul

Tomorrow millions of Americans will be tuning into the Super Bowl instead of going into church, where they belong. It is sad that so many people find time to watch some ball game instead of finding time to worship our one true God. Most people don't even realize that watching the Super Bowl will likely contribute to you spending eternity in a fiery pit in hell being eternally sodomized by demons. Here are the risks to your eternal soul if you so decided to watch this smut on TV.

It's Not Church:
Every true Christian knows that going to church and accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior is the best thing you can do to save your soul. All good Christians also know that Church is held on Sunday. Once in the morning, once at night, and on Wednesday Evening too.

Time Warner Purchases The Onion

In a surprising turn of events today, it has been announced that Time Warner, has purchased the "satire" website The Onion.
 The Onion is was started in 1996 by Tom Keck and Christopher Johannson, and is known for it's mildly amusing articles lampooning political leaders, celebrities and news. But has seen it's popularity wane in recent years as better satire websites have popped up. Time Warner is an American Media company and is the world's third largest broadcasting and cable company. It is known mostly for it's cable company and the channels that it puts on that cable network, including HBO.

 "We feel that this is going to be a positive acquisition, for our company. I can really see a home for The Onion on Comedy Central. With Colbert leaving to do that little CBS show. We feel that we can put a show into development and replace Colbert quickly, and honestly it was a good buy." Stated William Deckinson, VP of entertainment at Time Warner.

BREAKING NEWS: C/Net Has More Viruses Than CDC

 More viruses than CDC

National Report - As I near the end of my time here on Earth, I like many others come to be interested in where I came from. I have over 80 years of history in my head but there is more history that I do not know about. That is why I have turned to genealogy to learn more about where I have come from. I know that the Xenu family has a very proud history in this country going back to Jamestown, Virginia where Zacharias Xenu was a sailor on board a supply ship that fell in love with an Indian woman and fathered many little half red man babies.

Recently I decided that with so many ancestors, I needed to turn to the Internet to get a computer program that could help me. My grandson told me about download.com a website hosted by C/net.com, a supposedly reputable company. I downloaded the program and the first time that I used it the program crashed. Then a little ad popped up. Then something popped up saying that my computer was infected. I called my grandson back to fix the mess.

He told me that the program that I had just downloaded was probably a virus and He immediately started a program called Search and Destroy. He said that this was a program that would get rid of all the evil viruses that stupid program had loaded. The good program found several viruses and when he tried to fix it but it would not allow him to remove the viruses. He uninstalled one program only to find it had reappeared days later.

What kind of reputable company would disguise such vile viruses as a legitimate program? I immediately went back to the website to file a review of the fake program, of course I had to sign up for an account, and then it would not allow me to leave my negative review! But of course the email spam from C/net started coming. I then tried to find an email address to let them know what a horrible program they were allowing unexpecting internet users to download, and of course there was no contact information on their website. I had to google c/nets email address and sent them a lengthy email letting them know what I thought of their website. The reply I received was :
  So you can send me more spam or infect my computer some more?

Yeah. Like I am clicking on that. Luckily Jimmy was able to finally open the computer in something called “safe mode networking” and was able to uninstall the programs (My PCBackup and Lucky Leaf) as well as use the Search and Destroy program to remove the virus files left in the registry.

Reputable programs do not make it so that you can not remove them.[/caption] In researching how to remove these programs Jimmy found a website where everyone commented that they all had gotten these harmful and damaging viruses at C/net. Personally I am disgusted that a company like this would allow such pure crap as this on their servers. I am writing this to help others and in hopes that C/net might make this situation right.

NYC Mayor Bloomberg to Ban Buffets

This man denies businesses the right to make money just as he has.

New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg has never been one to shy away from political controversy and  constitutional over stepping. He has used $100,000 of city money to send NYC police to Arizona gun shows, has banned large sodas from NYC, supported racist campaigns against African Americans, fingerprinted the poor, encouraged forced breast feeding, sent $250,000 to encourage abortions, and has possibly illegally purchased guns that he denies to law abiding citizens. But now, right before his term as the 108^th Mayor of NYC comes to an end, he has decided to use his executive privilege to ban buffets in the city.
 

Buffets are restaurants that charge one flat price and allow its patrons to eat as much as they wish. Bloomberg has fought a personal war against over weight people for the last year. It was a year ago that he denied freedom loving Americans their constitutional right to sodas and colas in large cups, by limiting the size to only 16 ounces.

Kicked out of NYC

But now the outgoing mayor is blatantly trying to ruin businesses such as Golden Corral and Ryan’s, and countless local Chinese Buffets, by running them out of business. Bloomberg is a business man himself but has no problem it seems, ruining these businesses and preventing them from freely operating in the Free Market.

We managed to reach Duan Johnson, General Manager of the Times Square Golden Corral, who had this to say:

“I can’t believe he is doing this! I don’t know what we are going to do. There simply isn't enough time to do anything about it. Corporate says to shut down. How do I tell 30 something employees that they are fired? “

Bloomberg is supposedly a liberal, aren’t liberals supposed to

Banned in NYC

be accepting of all kinds of people? But why does he hate fat people so much? Why is Bloomberg waging this war against fat people? He is the biggest loser here.

Bloomberg told The New York Times, “Obesity is a nationwide problem, and all over the United States, public health officials are wringing their hands saying, ‘Oh, this is terrible.’ New York City is not about wringing your hands; it’s about doing something. I think that’s what the public wants the mayor to do,” last week.

Luckily this man will soon enough be removed from office and hopefully a more moderate and sane voice will be in the Mayors office. The new law is set to go into effect on October 15^th.

Let Mayor Bloomberg know what you think by tweeting this article to:

@NYCMayorsOffice @nycgov @BloombergNews

The Girl Scouts Are Sinful Cookie Selling Lesbians

National Report – Every fall Girl Scouts descend upon grocery stores around the nation to hock their glucose containing cookies. But what are you buying when you buy those cookies. You are buying a one way trip to lesbianism, liberalism, communism, and eventual hell for a young girl, according to pastors Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner of Generations Radio. 

Swanson begs us as Christians not to purchase the demon cookies. “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies,” Swanson said. “Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.”

He goes on to add that if you do you should “take a big, fat, black magic marker” and “start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all the boxes.” He then goes on to explain that the Girl Scouts are promoting lesbianism and abortion, and calls the cookies “food offered to idols.”

Reverse Christian Cowgirl: A New Marital Position

Last week I wrote an article entitled “Is Doggy style acceptible for Christian woman?” that revealed to Christian women that there were no biblical restrictions on sexual positions within marriage. Since then I have been inundated by questions from women at my church and by emails from women on Christwire and on my facebook page, wanting to know about what other sexual positions might be available to them. I have told them that with the

exception of homogay anal sodomy, that anything within their imagination is free game. But Still I am asked to inform them about particular positions. I am very hesitant to do this as I do not wish to become the Dr. Ruth of Christwire. But I keep getting questioned and emailed constantly.

I have finally relented. I asked around to some of the married women and to some of my grand daughters whorelot friends, and have even visited some very dubious internet websites. I found one online that sounded rather wholesome with a wonderful name: Reverse Cowgirl, also known as RCG. It seems to be related to the cowgirl position, which simply is the woman on top of the man, but in this case turned facing away from the man, as if to hide her shame.


Many christian men may find this position a turn off as it gives the “power” to the woman. It also typically gives more pleasure to the woman. In this position the woman has greater control over the extent and duration of the penetration. The woman faces away from the man. She can either be in a kneeling or squatting position and can have her torso upright, or she can have it aligned with the inserting man’s body. It serves to stimulate the most sensitive parts of the man’s sin stick as a result of the way it is forced to bend while at the same time rubbing on the female G-spot and naughty nub simultaneously.

Features of the reverse cowgirl position:
* penetration is quite deep
* the woman can control the depth and intensity of penetration, and enjoy the dominant feeling of being in control
* some men enjoy the submissive feeling of being on the bottom

Disadvantages of the reverse cowgirl position:
* neither partner can see the other well
* caressing is difficult
* some women find supporting their weight on their arms hard


Since the sin stick is bent downwards in this position, care needs to be taken in this position, to avoid damage to it, particularly if it slips out during naughty time.
I recommend that if you enjoy this position, but feel dirty for participating in a position other than the traditional missionary may I suggest the Reverse Christian Cowgirl, which as your doing RCG you pray to god…“OH God, Oh God, Praise be unto Jesus!”
Amen.

New Camaro Turning Grannies Into Loose Sluts

May 31, 2011 -
I can’t believe that General Motors would be encouraging such a despicable thing as this:

James Tiberius Kirk: Great Fictional American Hero

Although many Christwire articles cite Star Trek as a cesspit if inequity there is one bright shining star of American Morality on the horizon.


James Tiberius “Jim” Kirk also known as Captain Kirk, was born and raised in Riverside, Iowa on 22 March 2233. In 2250, he started his training at Starfleet Academy in San Francisco. Luckily in the 200 years from now San Francisco has been cleaned of much of the filth that inhabits it now. It is certain that he did not succumb to any homogayness.

During command training, Kirk experienced the Kobayashi Maru scenario a simulation used to evaluate a student’s reactions to a “no-win” battle and rescue situation. Kirk had two defeats, but before his third attempt, Kirk reprogrammed the simulation computer, consequently becoming the only cadet in Academy history to beat the “no-win” scenario, and earned a commendation for original thinking.

Another Miami Zombie Attack, How Much Did Obama & CDC Know?

As Miami suffers through a Second Zombie Attack, America has to ask ‘How much did Obama and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) know? When did they know and why didn’t they tell us of the very real danger’?

That’s right. As you read just days ago the zombie plague has spread across America. But now it is being reported that there is another attack at the “ground zero” of the new pandemic. Yesterday, Brandon DeLeon, a North Miami Beach man, walked into a Boston Market and started cursing at two North Miami Beach police officers who were eating at the restaurant.


Once in jail, he growled at officers, banged his head repeatedly on the holding cell, and tried to bite one officers hand. Officers believe he was under the influence of a synthetic drug, such as Bath Salts.

This led officers to post a bulletin warning: 

“While at the holding cell, DeLeon banged his head repeatedly inside the holding cell. DeLeon growled at officers in the booking area like a rabid dog. DeLeon attempted to bite Officer Ruiz’s hand off…It was later discovered DeLeon had taken a synthetic drug named Cloud 9. This bears resemblance to the incident that occurred in the City of Miami last week when a male ate another man’s face. Please be careful when dealing with our homeless population during your patrols.”

Bath Salt Zombie Apocalpse: New Attacks in Atlanta & China

Up until now the Zombie Apocalpyse has been in other places. It is always easy to ignore it when it isn’t on your door step. But now it is on my door step.

That’s right. On June 14th Lilburn Police (a suburb of Atlanta) were called to a local golf driving range where a crazy man, Karl Laventure, 21, was running around with a golf club. 

Police Officer Ross Hancock, of the Gwinett County Police was the first to arrive at the Atlanta Golf Center on Beaver Ruin Road. He said Laventure was running all around the range, through a nearby pond, half naked, out of his mind. Hancock’s partner first pulled his pepper spray. Hancock said of the zombie, “He didn’t even wipe his eyes, he just kept them open.”
That’s when the officer pulled out his Taser and the zombie went down, but then got right back up! ”We had to Tase him approximately five more times on scene to get him down. It took several officers to hold him down to get him cuffed.” Hancock adds.

In a video of the incident, the zombie Laventure screams: “I’m'a eat you. Four. Four. Oh God. Don’t make me eat you.” 
To see FOX 5 video click here:

Karl Laventure the Golfing Zombie

I bet you socialism loving foreigners are sitting back laughing at zombies trying to eat us good God fearing Americans, but don’t fret. They are coming for you too. Here is an incident from China!

The Daily Mail is reporting that a Chinaman bus driver was drinking and probably eating dog meat, with friends during lunch in the city of Wenzhou in southeast China when suddenly he ran into the streets. He viciously attacked a random woman, and began eating her face until people pulled him off of her.

The zombie attacker was hauled off by police, and the poor woman was rushed to a hospital, where she is undergoing surgery to repair her nose and lips.

Chinese Zombie Attacker was named Dong.

Make no mistake people. This is the end of days. In my 83 years I have never seen such as this, stock up on your bibles and ammo now!