Monday, June 26, 2017

Optimus Prime Disgusted by Transformers 5 Refuses to Star Again

Optimus Prime laments his starring role.
I recently had time to talk to some of the stars of the new Transformers movie at the recent premiere of the movie in Atlanta Ga, where parts of the motion picture was filmed. There was that Marky Mark guy that makes hamburgers on TV. There was also the whorelot that stars in the movie too. Anthony Hopkins was sort of there. But he was drunk and mumbling about ruining his career. But the most "realist" and most interesting person there was Optimus Prime.

Optimus Prime has been staring in TV and movies for the franchise which is based off of Hasbro toys for over 30 years. But Mr. Prime revealed to me that he will not return after watching the latest movie.

"I am disgusted. Michael Bay has ruined this. I have been a hero to generations of children. But what am I now? What am I now?" asked Optimus Prime. "I've been letting it go. Put up with so much. Hasbro just keeps throwing money at us. What was I supposed to do?"

I asked Optimus Prime for more details.

"Back in the 1980's we were a great children's show. Sure, We shot at each other, but no one got hurt. But then the first movie came out in the mid 80s. They massacred half the cast. I was killed off! ME! I was out of work until they brought me back a couple years later. But even after in the cartoons we never actually killed one another. We were peaceful. We were for children. Then a couple movies back they had me assassinate a deception. The poor guy was hiding in China. Just trying to squeak out an existence. They had me come up and shoot him in the back of the head. He was a prisoner! Optimus Prime does not do that. I don't murder robots or people in cold blood. But have you seen this new movie? They have me trying to blow up earth. There is a scene where they have me behead 5 robots. They even have me beating the crap out of Bumble Bee!"

"Why has Michael Bay ruined Transformers?"
In transformers, Bumble Bee is a small scrappy robot. He is youthful but reserved. Originally in the 1980's he was an un-American German Nazi Volkswagen. Now he is a muscular all American Chevrolet Camaro.

I asked Mr. Prime why he agreed to star in the movie when he had so many issues with past films.

"Money. At first. After the first movie so many people were so happy. Little boys that watched us in the 80's have grown up. They brought their children and grand children to watch that movie. Everyone loved it. It wasn't a great movie but everyone loved it. It felt so good. But then. The following movies. Such disappointments. I told them I didn't want to be in the same movie again. Have you notice each movie is the same thing over and over. They lied to me. They said This movie would be different. But they took the bits and pieces they wanted and made me look like an idiot. Everything is different from what we were supposed to do"

At this point I could see that Mr. Prime was struggling with what he had done. I felt sorry for him. But had to prod him for more answers. I asked him what problems did you have with this movie, exactly?

Optimus Prime is forced to beat up his little friend.
Optimus Prime answered, "There is so much wrong with this movie. The quintisans were a race. Not one person. I would never turn evil. I would never beat up Bumble Bee. Sure he is really annoying but I wouldn't beat him up. I wouldn't behead other transformers. In the first movie we went to Earth for the first time. But now they have Bumble Bee in World War Two? What in the hell. That Robot butler. What was that? He was so annoying. He ruined every part of the movie. Then the decepticons taken out of prison? That whole part was stupid. Who were those guys? And the robots in Cuba? They said Castro was alive. Sure we filmed that last year when Castro was alive, but how hard would it have been to..."

At this moment a representative for the movie burst in. Security escorted me from the room, and as the door slammed shut and Hasbro and Movie reps began to yell, I hear Optimus Prime's booming voice say "I am Optimus Prime. Your movie sucks. I quit."

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