Monday, May 1, 2017

Xenu's Christian Movie Review: Guardian of The Galaxy Vol. 2

As many of you know I often get asked by my local movie theatre to come down and watch new movies before they are released to the normal folks. So last week they asked me if I would like to watch Guardian of the Galaxy. Thinking that the movie was about our Lord and Savior, I went down to give it a try.

It was NOT about Jesus Christ our Lord and savior. It was about some pudgy faced idiot traipsing around wearing a red leather jacket like he was in the matrix movies. This idiot calls himself "Star Lord" which by the way is a direct affront to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who is the one and only Star Lord. This moron runs around the galaxy in a spaceship full of freaks and causes mayhem and then tries to fix what he has broken.

Let me be honest. I didn't watch the whole movie. I fell asleep. It was that bad.
If you are a 20 year old that likes to touch himself while he plays action figures in his grand mothers basement, or in the case of my grand son a 40 year old, then this movie is probably for you. Jesus Christ won't you help me find that boy a good Christian woman?

But if you are a good God fearing American than this horrible sin fest is not for you at all.
Let me hit the high or should I say low points of this "movie".

Hug A Tree You Hippie:
One of the main characters is a tree. A tree. Like what grows in the ground. I tell you back in my day we didn't have crap like this. Who in their right mind makes a walking talking tree a main character?
Not that he talks much at all. All he does is run around saying "I am groot, I am groot, I am groot".

I knew trees were stupid but I didn't know they were retarded. And of course you know the reason they put a talking tree in the movie.

To PUSH the lie of Global Warming on us.


Stupid tree hugging hippies. Go eat a granola bar you stinking creeps. How deep are you going to try to ram this down our throats? Get your fantastical walking talking wood out of our throats. You are spreading lies to hour children!

And a Talking Raccoon?:
You honestly can't make this up. Look at all the remake movies they make every year. Hollywood has run out of ideas. They are scrapping the bottom of the barrel. Who agrees to make a movie with not only a talking tree but a talking raccoon?

IDIOTS. That's who.

And this stupid squirrel spends the movie trying to collect artificial limbs. What in gods love and grace is that about? What is an animal going to do with peoples arms and legs? Make a nest? When he isn't doing that he is blowing stuff up!

I honestly can't tell you enough how stupid this movie is.

Star Lord The Pervert Orphan:
This movie stars  Benjamin Pratt as Star Lord. His mother was a woman from Earth and his father was an Angel. Where have we heard this before? Oh I don't know... THE BIBLE!

Of course the Angel father left the baby, and then the mother died.

See, this is just more Hollywierd trying to pick Good Old Christian Values apart. Insulting. Making fun of Mary and Jesus. I tell you Star Lord is no Jesus!

So in this movie Star Lord goes around trying to find his father. That is while he isn't making goo goo eyes at some green hussy in tight fitting leather. Once again Hollywood trying to force their new age ideas upon us. The want us to believe in the mixing of races. Now you have this pervert trying to hump his way into becoming a green or yellow or something child's baby daddy. What color does green and white make? I don't know, but it's wrong. This wasn't done in MY day!

Why can't people just be normal in this movie?

What is the name of the green leather whorelot by the way? Gomorrah.
As in Sodom and Gomorrah. The two cities that God destroyed in the bible because they were practicing sodomy on one another. Obviously Hollywierd is telling us that Star Lord and Gomorrah want to practice sodomy, and that it is OK.

It is NOT ok. Sodomy is a gross and disgusting sin. It will send you straight to hell. Sodomy Is Never The Answer!

And believe me the girls that were watching this movie was going crazy every time this Star Lord took his shirt off. Every time I woke up during this crap storm of a movie it was because teenage girls were wooing for the shirtless pudgy faced Benjamin Pratt.

Do you want your daughter going home and spelunking into her sin cave to the thoughts of Benjamin Pratt? I know if I found out my daughter was doing that I would make her wash away her sin with holy water and Lava Brand soap.

The Rock of Ages:
Finally there is a giant steroided up red monstrosity of a human being, played by former wrestler Dwain Johnson, aka The Rock. Why is The Rock in every movie that you see now? Is he that broke? Did he get hit in the head by too any folding chairs in the 1990's?

Either way I do not smell what he is cooking in this movie. He spends the entire movie drinking and cursing and murdering people. The ultimate goal of what ever his name is, and the crew of Star Lords ship, is to find and kill Thanos, the lawfully elected leader of the Galaxy.

This is obviously and other veiled attempt by Hollywierd to insult the great President of this Nation, Donald Trump. Get over it! Hillary lost because she is a crook. Trump is our President and will make America Great AGAIN! Just like Ronald Reagan did after the dark years of Jimmy Carter. Carter should have stayed at home farming peanuts, and Obama should have stayed at home committing crime. That's what they do in Chicago.

In conclusion:
This is a horrible movie. Do not watch it. Do not let your children watch it. When it comes out on DVD in a week or two take all the copies in your local Walmart to the barbecue grill section and set them on fire. That is what this movie deserves.