Saturday – Police were called to a warehouse in a commercial district in Los Angeles. When they arrived they were shocked by what they found.
Dock workers had reported suspicious events occurring around a
shipping container as soon as it entered port. Workers notified the
police who then set up surveillance around the container day and night.
Finally this Saturday morning at 3:31 AM their net ensnared the guilty
“I walk in guns drawn and there’s this midg…short person… what ever –
there is a four foot tall guy that has busted up in a shipping
container, and he’s pulling out Play Station 4s (PS4). I yell, STOP.
POLICE. PUT YOUR HANDS UP, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST. This guy turns around
and he is the craziest looking guy I have ever seen. ” said Detective
Andy Sipowitz, arresting officer on the case.
Égion Saerdir, reportedly of the North Pole, was found in the
possession of the stolen material. When booked he was found to be of
pale skin, 3 foot 4 inches in height and dressed in green. He also has
long pointed ears. The police were baffled until he explained that he
was an elf from the North Pole.
National Report spoke with Mr. Saerdir after making bond, he had this
to say, “Times is hard. There is a international recession going on.
Santa has had to lay off elves and there is no way that we are set up to
make something as technological as this, and those damned Japs would
never license it to us. God I hate the Japanese. So you gotta do what
you gotta do. It’s like that. Kids want it and if we don’t get good kids
the toys they deserve they stop believing in Santa, then Jesus, and
then they are only a step away from shooting up a school! WHO IS THE
REAL CRIMINAL HERE?”
a Japanese corporation headquartered in Tokyo, Japan. The company is
primarily focused on electronics, gaming, entertainment and financial
Kazuo Hirai,President and CEO of Sony Corp. Had this to say of the
break in, “We no drop charges. We no make toys for free. Sony
corporation, we make money. You want PS4, You pay for it. We see you in
court. We tell fat man many time, you no get for free. Now he send
creepy thief henchmen. Bah hum bug!”
After several unreturned phone calls we finally managed to talk with
Santa Clause, or “The Fat Man” as Mr. Hirai, referred to him.
“The North Pole had nothing to do with this crime. I reward the good,
how can I do that while condoning crime? Égion, is a poor misguided
youth. I just took him on last year. He has had a hard life. You see in
1995 my sled was shot down over Kosovo. Égion’s father was with me. That
was a tough night. Only me, and Blitzen survived. Australia and most of
Asia didn’t get their presents until January that year. Not many people
know about that night.” said Santa.
When asked about the North Poles relationship with Sony, he had this
to say: “Ugh. Everytime it is the same thing with those people. They
roll out a new game platform and every kid on the planet wants one.
There are what… 8 billion people on earth. Maybe a quarter of that is
kids, maybe a tenth of that is good enough to be worthy on one. That is
still millions and millions of children. Sony hasn’t even made that many
yet. And to make it worse they roll them out right before Christmas. So
every kid expects one. So it drives up the cost. I mean my God have you
looked at craigslist? People are asking for $500 or more for them! It’s
When asked for comment on Mr. Clauses comments Mr. Hirai had this to say; “What he mean ‘those people’?”